The End?
Courtney can have the portal back we're done hijacking it!

We return to our paty floundering around the sewers with someone walking towards them… It is Princess Dravinia of the spider sect. The spider princess. And she demands Everett be handed over to her; as her spiders have been battling his forces. Trask shoves the diamond potion into Everett’s mouth…

Dravinia has won the war. Morrigan tries to convince her to see the murder shack in the woods where the hag resides, and Duke backs her up while Aladon tugs Morrigan’s attention. They plan mentally… And convince Dravinia to turn around saying the hag is behind her.

The entire team opens fire in sudden surprise attack as per the plan, and the group launches a desperate battle. Thea rushes onto the scene and becomes a freaking bear. Chaos ensues in the sewers. Upon striking Dravinia she shimmers… And reverts to her true form.

Dravinia IS the hag. And Trask cleaves her arm off. As the group moves in for the kill she planeshifts… And vanishes to another world.

Everett is still alive and the Thea strikes him awake. Solel, Elqen, Pestiann, Olly Baba, and Riff arrive and fill Everett in.

Thirty days pass and the group find themselves in the King’s castle. The party are knighted… Given money… And decide to continue their adventures and go after the hag.

The End?

Or is it.

Yeah it’s the end.

Morrigan’s Notes:

So hey that was pretty fun. I’d say I’d do it all again if I could but well quite frankly I’d rather deep tongue kiss a mindflayer. But! With all this money and status I can start a cult of my very own! Sweet. Oh I suppose I should montage.

Aladon: We’re probably going to be super best friends until the day he dies and I outlive him because half-eeeeelf~.

Thea: I actually grew to respect her! Though aside from hunting down this Hag I’m not sure if she’d want to keep in touch. Would be nice though.

Trask: Will always be the meat miracle in my heart.

Duke: Where did my gold go?

I won’t admit it openly, but I will miss adventuring with them. I mean technically I still am while we hunt this hag down, but that’s a story for another time~<3

How to brew ritual potions.
Don't screw up.

Our team staggers out of the dragon’s room, the door banging loudly behind them. They are presented with stairs upward and opt to head up stealthily in hopes of not encountering anything dangerous, taking a short breather to regain their wits and bind their wounds.

The next chamber has gold pillars and tiled floors with gold trimming, this speaks of a puzzle. They investigate the tiles, Trask taking the lead while Aladon keeps his keen eye open for traps. Then Aladon spots cracks in the floor tiling. Duke slips and bashes his face on a tile. Morrigan begins leading in search of a safe path. Half the tiles in the room fall, making a checker board of flooring, interspersed with a fall into water. They start working their way across as more tiles fall into water below.

Duke: “I’m going for a swim! Tell the merpeople to go fuck themselves!”
Morrigan: “Good luck don’t die!”

Duke leaps into water to swim to the next tile and something grabs his foot. He stabs it, as the group tries to reconvene something grabs Aladon. Amid the chaos a birdlike creature appears and demands the group leaves. Duke manages to convince it to not kill them terribly and that another passed this way before them. It says it will take them to his queen. He is an Aarakocra.

Everett is in the throne room with the queen. She declares “You are not worthy.” and holds up her paw, making Everett vanish. The room is tense. The queen demands to know their purposes and states they must prove themselves worthy. They must fight the queen. The room darkens magically.

Aladon summons spiritual guardians to protect the team in the darkness. When the darkness lifts the sphinx queen is gone, but invisibly lashes out at the party and makes Trask vanish. When Duke attacks her concentration breaks and Trask is returned. The group leaps into battle together.

The team manages to prove their worth and she presents them with the (absolutely massive) diamond they need. And they convince her to give them the flowers they need, from her garden, for their promise to the slimy horse salesman, before she teleports them to Phandelin. Aladon presents the flowers to the slimy horse salesman.

They travel back to Elqen’s tree fort, finding it under assault by spiders. They leap into battle to save the tree fort and old heroes. In the middle of the battle against the spiders, Elqen shoots the rest of them and they run into the treefort. Solel is there ready to make the potion of super restoration to cure Everett. After several horrifying fuckups, Aladon manages to correctly make the diamond into a magical healing dust for Everett

Heading from the tree fort, Solel tells them that Everett is at the Tipsy Pelican. Entering from the sewers they sneak into the Pelican from a trap door in a storage closet. Everett is right there staring at them in the doorway. On a snap decision, Morrigan casts Hold Person and ensnares Everett. Duke disarns him and the group wails on Everett until he breaks free and retrieves his weapons. The battle gets harsher as Everett knocks Trask out in the middle of the fight. A well placed Eldritch Blast from Morrigan pushes Everette into the hole back down into the sewers to buy time, only for Aladon to leap in after him and get knocked out.

The group chases Everett into the sewer after picking up Aladon and Trask. Though Morrigan’s new headvoices manipulate her into shooting Duke, before Everett drops him next. Aladon pulls Trask and Duke back into the fight only for Everett to beat them down again, before Morrigan blasts him down. As the team picks themselves up and hasten to treat the unconscious Everett while footsteps begin to head down the sewers toward them… A cliffhanger happens.

Morrigan’s Notes:

Arakokra: I almost expected him to attack us.

Sphinx Queen: I wholly expected her to attack us.

Everett Whitlock: I knew he was going to attack us.

Getting Attacked: IT KEEPS HAPPENING

No Bones About It
Inside every adventurer is a skeleton waiting to come out.

Upon defeating Glass Finger our misfitting band of misly fitting questionable heroe return to the mayor for their reward. Gifting them with thousands of gold pieces, they are further granted a boon when the priest of the temple of Selune lets them place a piece of equipment upon the temple altar and blesses their weapons and armor in various ways.

Returning from whatever shadow he had disappeared to, Duke the rogue took this opportune time to slide into place with the group and get a reward for just being there; as rogues usually do. But in the time he was gone, Duke had trained, explaining to the team the lurid details of how he grew in dextrous ways via a short montage. Now all that was left was to undergo the last leg of the journey to Mount Kilimanjaro. After bargaining with the slimiest used horse dealer in the town, the team rides off with five of the fastest warhorses they had ever laid eyes on, with the promise of returning with some flowers from the mountain to return to him for his wife.

Chances are high this promise will not be kept.

Minor details aside, Morrigan’s ‘blessed’ weapon begins to whisper to her to kill all her companions, over the night. Spurred into action on hearing the war with the spiders still rages back at Broadsea the team rides their mounts; Shadowfax (Duke), Blue (Aladon), Seabuscuit (Thea), Best Buy (Trask), and Lady Sunset Autumn Honey Purity Sunflower Rainbow (Morrigan), with great haste to the mountain and arrive within half a day.

Upon parking the horses (not by the lava, at Duke’s suggestion) the party sneaks their way inside the mountain. After several rope and rope ladder climbing related disasters, a few incidents of falling a hundred feet and landing badly, the party makes it to the higher parts of the giant cavern within the mountain, battered, tired, cranky, and mostly jealous of Thea’s ability to turn into a giant spider two times a day.

Shortly after dealing with a door puzzle involving sigils of bears, wolves, and butterflies- and fighting actual giant moths, the party enters a room of bones. The next door out is sealed shut, with four grooves etched into it. Searching the bone room, the party begins to find gems- which they determine to be the key to the mechanism, amid fighting the inevitable rising skeletons.

It is in the chaos that they hear the familiar horrifying voice. Aladon grows pale. Morrigan devolves into panicked hysteria. Trask has vietnam war flashbacks. Duke sweats… Thea does spider stuff.

Once again, Jappy has returned from the dead. And he has come back for REVENGEANCE. Also to do the bidding of his master and prevent the party from gaining the diamond they have come for. A verbal battle ensues between Jappy and Morrigan, doubting that the group has grown in power, only for his spell to be soundly halted in its tracks with a masterful counterspell from the Warlock- followed up by once again capturing him in Hold Person.

It was then, that the doors burst open. Everett Whitlock enters. He states that Jappy has failed him. He says that if something is to be done right… It must be done properly, himself. Everett delves into the mountain insearch fo the diamond to stop the group from succeeding, while a now free Jappy once again begins to cast a spell. With Morrigan sapped of energy to stop him again he summons the worst foe the party has faced yet. The broken skeletons upon the floor gather up into a huge skeletal dragon. Though Aladon makes very sure to set Jappy ablaze and once again turn him to ash with his sacred flame, the team finds discretion to be the better part of valor, fleeing for the door. The dragon’s poison breath incapacitates Aladon as he escapes the chamber and Trask is rendered collapsed and barely able to breathe. Duke swings in to the rescue, his deft footwork enabling him to slip past the dragon and start dragging Trask, while Thea drags Aladon to safety, as Morrigan shoots the dragon with enough force to shove it away from the door.

Tumbling through the open door in a panic, they slam it shut behind them and barely escape into the depths of the mountain with their lives.

Morrigan’s Notes:

Horse Salesman: Ewwww he was so SLIMY.

Ropes: I never want to climb again, I almost died like six times.

Door Puzzles: Bear wolf moth… Moth bear wolf… Wolf moth bear… Could we have maybe just smashed the doors down with a hammer? Would have been faster.

Skeletons: At this point I think my healthy paranoia about skeletons is founded. The others may say I’m crazy… But I can see the skeletons hidden inside them… Waiting to come out. Never trust skeletons.

Jappy: HOW. WHY?! WHY???


Mind Your Manors
If it's not bolted down, it's lootable.

The group marches on the mayor’s manor, intending to confront the leader of the thugs and the last of his men, only to find Aladon already waiting for them at the gates, having felled like 20 of the bandits (it was actually six) already like some kind of divine badass. Now this leaves the issue of getting into the manor grounds with the gate locked. Spotting no one on watch, the team proceeded to ram themselves into with the help of the civilian mob until it broke down.

Morrigan attempts to actually use a door for once, but fails fiddling with her thieves’ tools and the group decides to smash in a window, Aladon climbing in to scout ahead before pulling the others up to join him.

Once inside the mayor’s house they raid the kitchen for food like hobos and find a path down into the cellar- after breaking Morrigan’s thieves’ tools in the lock before managing to get down into the basement. It’s not an ordinary basement though, when they get down there and face off against bandits and murder them.

After some shenanigans involving finding a pit trap and Aladon and Trask falling in ANYWAY, it was time to move on.

“How does it look down there?” Morrigan asked.

“… Like… hurt…” Aladon answered.

In the chamber beyond the team encounters the tomb of the mayor’s ancestors. Each casket is filled with gold and treasure. … And Morrigan starts looting. Though this is interrupted by two bandits, Trask dispatches one and Morrigan convinces the other to drop his weapons. Before she shoots him. He survives and starts to run, and the team gives chase only to lose him in the next hall, where they find an armory. And loot that too. Thea gets a lovely hat.

On returning to the casket room, the party heads through a different door, finding the mayor and several children from the town locked in a dungeon. Morrigan resumes looting and is pulled into a casket by a suddenly animated skeleton. The team ask the mayor to give them a few minutes and extricate Morrigan, as well as handle four very bewildered, very disarmed skeletons, as the warlock’s looting was that thorough.

With that new problem out of the way and Thea and Morrigan reconciling their differences they returned to the mayor and free him, and he doesn’t even think to ask about the commotion, or why all the gold is missing or the skeleton bones are strewn all over the next room.

Having gotten away with extremely grand larceny, desecration of the dead, , murder, breaking and entering, and countless other crimes, the mayor simply asks the group to bring him the head of the bandit leader, a man named Glass Finger, before leading them to a secret path in the armory hall.

The chamber beyond is vast and cavernous, built into the caves beneath the manor. Traversing a river, several more bandits, and what could possibly have been a dianoga in the water, the team escapes with some magical armor and an even further healthy paranoia about rapid waters.

Upon catching a breather, they move into the Alchemy lab where the mayor directed them, and after looting THAT too, they find Glass Finger. They find his coffin. On the ceiling.

The lid drops, and the vampire descends, offering to pay the group to leave- which would not be easy considering the door locked shut behind them. Though attempts are made to be reasonably agreeable to this, things change when the group finds out who the vampire IS. Morrigan is charmed as a result and pitted against the group when they attack Glass Finger, and yells terrible things about Aladon not being The Reverend. Thea restrains her in the form of a giant spider, but she quickly breaks free of the vampire’s mental control and the tide of the fight is turned.

Too injured to continue, Glass Finger turns into a bat and attempts to flee, only to be struck down. Taking on misty form and forced to return to his coffin, all the group has to do is look up to find him, and proceed to decapitate the vampire, steal his magical cape and call their day of murder and theft done before turning in to the mayor for their reward for being bloodthirsty problem solving vagrants.

-Morrigan’s Notes:_

Glass Finger: That bastard tried to enthrall me! Good riddance.

Loot: We’re RICH!

When Player Planning Actually Works
Murder Hobo 201: Advanced murderhobo tactics.

Upon escaping the cyclopses with the injured dwarf in tow, the party paused to catch their breath and tend to their wounds. On rousing, the dwarf devolved into a panic, demanding to go back to the mines to retrieve his backpack. When asked what could be so important in his bag to risk his life again his answer was simple and unsurprising. Gold. Though his adamance seemed odd, the party pressed him further.

The dwarf explained he was from the nearby town of Phandelin, plagued by thugs and bandits that had come extorting the people, demanding gold for protection now that the Broadsea guard no longer comes to aid them. Any who cannot pay are savagely beaten. Morrigan suggests just moving on and leaving it be, but on hearing that the only way to mount Kilimanjaro is to head through the town, the party is forced to intervene.

Morrigan activates the Serpentine Owl, turning it into a giant owl that lifts Trask off the ground to survey the surroundings, but finds no back entrances to the bandit’s lair- the posh manor that the town’s former mayor resided in. The party is forced to enter the front gates, and with some smooth talking, manages to bribe the guards set at their posts for entry. Once inside, they head to the Temple of Selune- Aladon’s god. the dwarf said a rebellion was being formed there, and when the priestess inside demanded to know who the group was, Morrigan made Vannah White hand motions at Aladon, introducing the Reverend.

Once allowed inside, they found the ‘congregation’ to be in shambles. The temple was housing hungry and poor children, and the priestess informed them of the severity of the thug’s hard pressing taxes, before hiding the party in the cellar from one very such tax collector. A plan was hatched that day. And they went to dwarf’s home and place of business- the local tavern and inn.

Though they meet a bandit toll on the way, Thea bribes the bandits with a pan, Morrigan further helping with more Vannah White hand motions, the two put their Charisma to use and convince the guards that the pan is magical, and can julienne cut french fries. He proceeds to wear it as a helmet.

On entering the inn of Talden Stonehill, the dwarf, the party organizes the inn as a rally point and enlists the aid of the strongest and most daring townsfolk. Farmers all of them, but they would have their use. With the plan settled, they acted that very night.

Aladon and Arime remained at the Temple of Selune to protect the children there while Trask, Thea, and Morrigan set to the task of hunting down bandit patrols. When the first group passes the Inn, Morrigan hijacks a bandit’s mind and body, forcing him to attack his allies, acting as the cue for Trask and Thea, in the form of a monstrous dire wolf, to charge in. The bandits didn’t know what hit them. Morrigan retrieved Thea’s pan and put it on the wolf’s head. Petting ensued. Some bonding happened.

However in the commotion of killing the first guard squad one tried to escape. Though he was killed before he could get too far the second patrol started wandering closer to investigate. The team acted fast however and killed them as well. Dragging the bodies back to the inn, the townsfolk put on the bandit’s armor, receiving instructions on what to say and how to act, they successfully convince a third patrol to investigate the inn. Where a dire wolf was waiting at the door to tear them limb from limb.

Again another attempts to escape, pulling the attention of a fourth patrol, but the team manage to pull the bodies inside and set up. And the men proceeded to walk into the exact same deadly ambush.

With only two patrols left on opposite ends of town, the three felt capable of eschewing subtlety. Thea shifts into a bear, inciting panic and chasing three men into a barn before crushing them under a massive bale of hay with a good shove of her bear weight. Smothered, crushed, barely surviving, those who managed to escape their baleful predicament were only met with the angry bear waiting outside the hay for them to crawl out. For as they say… Those who live in the hay… Die in the hay.

With one last squad of thugs left, the party promptly mauled them, clearing the town of the night shift watchmen. As the rest of the bandits arrived to swap for the day shift, they found the town full of citizens disguised in bandit armor- who turned on them, and were quickly joined by the party in a swift play of violent mob justice. Without so much as a single scratch to the people or party, in a single night over twenty two bandits were slain in cold blood. Now only seven or eight remain, holed up in the mayor’s manor, entirely clueless of their catastrophic losses and the violent mob, led by a force of nature, an unstoppable super soldier, and a twisted sadist, marching on them with blood in their eyes and hate in their hearts.

Morrigan’s Notes:

Bandits: Oh finally, I can get some stress relief. You know. With murder.

The Master: He leads these guys? Well they were a fairly organized group so he knows what he’s doing, perhaps. But why is everyone around here a master? I want to be a master too! Maybe if I kill him I can take his title for myself… Master Warlock Morrigan Lor’osa… I rather like that, I think…

Adventure Deficit Disorder
Getting sidetracked without a sidequest.

With the group split, Arime wakes up alone and hung over in the Tipsy Pelican after a night of partying like all half-orc do. Drinking. Clueless as to where the rest of the team is, off in the woods, it is only with the aid of an Animal Messenger, sent by Thea, that she learns the way to Elqen Naefir’s secret elven batman tree fort. Sneaking out of town, while still hungover, through Everett Whitlock’s guards of the EWTF (Everett Whitlock Task Force), she reunites with the group— after getting stopped by Riff at the entrance to the tree fort, like the good secretary he is. Now reunited, the team must make their way to Mount Kilimanjaro. But with an eight day journey by foot ahead of them, the prospects of getting back in time before Everett can do any more damage look bleak.

The group speaks with Olly Baba in hopes his remaining Thieves’ Guild members can get them in possession of several swift horses. He sends Riff into town to acquire the mounts. In the meantime, while waiting for Riff, the group decides to speak to the spirit residing in the king once more. Morrigan seances the spirit out for the rest of the group to ask it questions and learn more about it. Aladon immediately recognizes the spirit for what it is; a form of phantasmal parasite that feeds off the life of whomever it possesses. Though it promises it will not kill the king, the canny Cleric sees through its deception and raises his shield.

With a brilliant flare of holy light, he casts Turn Undead upon it and sends it fleeing from the king’s body, freeing the king of his possession. Though the group spends some time keeping a wary eye out for the spirit’s return, it does not, and Riff returns with the horses. Gathering provisions and preparing for their journey, they set off to Mount Kilimanjaro.

Within no less than two hours into their eight day round trip journey, the group proceeds to wander off course lured to the ruins of an old fort like ADD addled treasure hungry children with the attention spans of concussed gnats.

Through their collective knowledge of general regional history, the group finds that the fortress is the remnants of a castle that endured a war long past, now left empty and in ruin. Or so they thought. Morrigan once again displayed her incredible lock picking skills by shooting the drawbridge chains and causing it to lower, but the fort was not as empty as they had thought, when Thea took the form of a tiger and scouted ahead. They party was met with loosed arrows as lizardmen fired upon them from the ramparts above.

A short, but heated fight broke out, but the lizard people were slain, allowing the group to begin exploring the castle. Alerted to traps thanks to Thea’s clever use of a Detect Trap spell, the team… Slowly investigated each room, using Morrigan’s Mage Hand to test every door- only for someone to nearly fall into a spike pit. Several lizardmen ambushes later, and the group enters a temple-like chamber, with an owl statue set upon a pedestal. Careful examination proved it to be another trap, as it was set on a pressure plate. But a careless and casual use of Mage Hand lifted it away and left the hail of arrows from the ceiling with no one to land on.

Further in the chamber however, the party encounters a water elemental. Attempts to communicate fail, but it proves non-hostile. However it was soon joined by an earth elemental, taking place at its side, after causing a tremor powerful enough to shake the room and make nearly everyone fall on their asses. Nevertheless, when language failed, Morrigan attempted to reach into their minds, only to hear a familiar voice reply back. Two familiar voices, as the elementals shapeshift into twin gnomes. Caylen and Callen- the two gnomes that had helped the team escape Everett Whitlock’s jail cells at the start of their adventure. As it turns out, they are seeking out their old wizard companion, Bail; whom they say was kidnapped by lizardmen and taken to the fort.

Beginning their search for Bail, the group enters a chamber filled with riches; gold coins and massive gems, each decorated with a spider insignia. A momentary pause overtakes the team as ripples of caution and wariness fill Aladon, Morrigan, and Trask, remembering the lair of the spider cult under the City of the Dead. Though caution gives way to greed as the team loots the riches for armor and trinkets, before a massive monstrosity emerges in the room.

Recognizing the beast as Infernal, Aladon focused his holy flames upon it while the others did what damage they could best do against its resistance to their attacks. Issue came when a massive blue spider teleported into the treasure chamber, doubling the threat, before… Bail emerged.

He demanded to know what the party was doing and that they were interrupting his studies on the phase spiders. Realizing him to be a member of the spider cult, they group manages to end hostilities, and back away from a very confused and conflicted Caylen and Callen, who had come to rescue Bail in the first place. Spending the night in the barracks – now empty of dead lizardmen – the group recuperates and begins their journey anew after wasting a day, but making off with some sweet loot.

But not all was well back at Broadsea. Just partially into their ride out a messenger from the Thieves’ Guild caught up with the group to tell them that an army of spiders had invaded and were fighting Everett Whitlock’s forces. Set in their task, however, the party continues on to Kilimanjaro, pausing at a mine along the way when they found a cyclops beating up on a dwarven miner. Trying to rescue the miner proved dangerous when the Cyclops battered Aladon soundly. Morrigan used her Hold Person spell upon it to buy the group time to get the dwarf and flee as fast as they could when more giant eyes appeared visible in the mines and ready to join the fight, running off as fast as their horses could go.

Morrigan’s Notes:

Owl: Oh this is cute. And handy. It can turn into a giant owl for eight hours if I use it, and keeps in contact with me mentally.

Armor?: Leather! My favorite! And it’s not cursed, too! In fact it’s pretty warm. Like: Will protect me from frost spells, warm.

Arime: Getting clever. Maybe there was more to the half-orc than I thought.

Caylen and Callen: For a second I was horrified. Then I remembered who they were. Then I was annoyed. They ditched us with the old man back in jail! After we helped them too.

Bail: Oho. A spider cult member? Maybe these Phase Spiders are a bigger threat than we all thought.

Cyclopses: … Could they be related to this? I know Princess Dravinia, of the spider cult had cyclops guards. This is too much to be coincidence…

Miner: Oh boy another mouth to feed.

Bearly Escaped
In which people are kind of intense and amazing.

Once rested after their foray through Willy Wonka’s Woeful Woodlands, our intrepid group of busybody misfits set out to castle ward, to meet with the king on the day of their meeting, appointed by Victoria Whitlock, while Arime remained at the Tipsy Pelican to handle Ranger things. Though they were initially rebuffed at the gates, Trask coerced the guards into allowing the party through. He also made them do push-ups. Between pulling rank from his old career as a military legend, and Morrigan whipping out the writ of introduction that Victoria had made for the party, they were allowed inside the castle.

The guards seemed quick to be dismissive of the group’s desire to see the king and led them to a waiting chamber adjacent to the throne room. Over an hour passed in boredom as they waited to be seen, but as time went on, the silence grew oppressive. When it finally broke, something was very wrong. With commotion from the guards outside, rushing off with cries to ‘get to the king’s chamber’, the group decided they had done enough waiting. And they stepped out into an eerily empty castle. Approaching the throne room and finding it unlocked they stepped inside.

Faced with an empty chamber and an empty throne, the mystery deepened as they searched for signs of any commotion or conflict. blood dripping from the ceiling on Morrigan’s face told them enough. The human shaped blood splatter above told even more. But before the team could investigate any further, the doors flew open. Flanked by two guards, a high ranking general strode in. Though he demanded to know why the team had left the waiting room, Aladon convinced him to allow him to see and heal whoever was harmed. It had been the king, and though he was surrounded by many healers of varying faiths, he was on death’s door.

Led to see the king, while the rest of the party was once more sent to the waiting room, Aladon managed to outshine his peers’. As the good Reverend worked his healing magic, he found that not only had the king been smashed into the ceiling, but a supernatural poison coursed through his veins. Aladon cured the king’s broken body but could not purge him of the poisons, though he did stabilize him. Curiously… The door locked. To both the king’s chamber and the waiting room. Something was not right. In fact something was very wrong as both halves of the party worked to find a way out of their rooms. Trask climbed a forty foot height to glance out the window in search of an escape route and found that an eerie fog had rolled over the castle. Even when Thea’s Druidic ability told her it was a sunny and perfect day outside. Something was rotten in the state of Broadsea.

With the help of several other priests, Aladon smashed down the door, while in the waiting room, Morrigan picked the lock with an Eldritch Blast. The castle halls were eerily cold, and the group (sans Aladon) made their way into the throne room. It was not empty. A crossbowman, behind the throne, was laying in wait to ambush them. At the same time, Aladon encountered the general. The attack was sudden and swift, a misfired crossbow bolt alerting the team to threat, and a swing of a pike informed Aladon that the general was not as loyal to the king as he seemed.

Wielding the power of nature itself, Thea took on the form of a great brown bear, and charged the crossbow wielding assailant while Morrigan psychically harassed him. Barreling through the throne room like an unstoppable primal engine of destruction, Bear-Thea smashed aside chairs and bowled over furniture like they weren’t even there and slammed the entirety of her weight into the throne. Trask stepped in next, following hot on her tail; an armored and muscled wall of intensely amazing and badass man of action threw himself upon the throne as well, giving it the last push it needed, with his momentum, to topple it over on the crossbowman. And to top it all off, he surfed the throne on its way down. What an amazing badass. Though the crossbowman managed to escape being flattened, he did not escape the subsequent mauling from an astoundingly angry bear form Druid that followed.

Yet what of Aladon? Struggling against the general, he fought valiantly. Though he was outmatched, he did not leave without making good account of himself against the traitorous sleaze, the good reverend decided that discretion was the better part of valor and slammed through the next door. Morrigan, with her (half)elf ears picked up on the commotion and immediately broke off down the hall to see to his aid. She found him and the general. Though the general called for aid and as more guards came they were forced to retreat back down the hall, only to find Bear-Thea and Trask battling a new guard. The group was pincered on both sides, with the general making dark promises of sacrificing them to something great and terrible.

Dark mists filled the corridors, and one guard was ripped from the floor, slammed into the stone ceiling above, with lethal force, as the other guard fell to claws and blade. Left alone and outnumbered, the general fought tenaciously, outpacing the team on his own, before the mysterious presence lifted him into the air. In spite of the obscuring mists, they took advantage of his situation and killed him while he was defenseless, before rushing back to the king’s chambers.

It was a bloodbath. Every single member of the clergy that had tried to heal the king was dead. Their heads adorned the bedposts, every inch of the floor was slick with blood and gore. This shock was further compounded when a possessing spirit emerged from the king’s mouth. It stated that it had unfinished business with the king, and would not allow him to come to harm until it was complete. This was the best situation anyone could really hope for as the group took the time to catch their breath and recover their wits before planning their next step. Unable to leave the king alone in the castle after discovering notes on each of the guards, signed by E.W. stating that the king had to die.

Thea changed forms once again, becoming a mighty Dire Wolf. The group set the king upon her back and hid him bound in place with bedsheets. Their only options were to take him to the Tipsy Pelican or to. Temple of Aladon’s faith; where he felt the king could be entrusted in safe hands. Well a wolf with bundled sheets on its back looked about as weird as it sounds, but helped greatly when they encountered Everett with a squad of guards. When reasoning with Everett failed, the group took flight. Thea shifted back to her elven true form and with a clever casting of Pass Without a Trace, enabled the group to make it to some stables undetected.

Stealing three malnourished horses, the four and the unconscious king made a wild dash for the city gates, Everett and the guards catching up to make for a high speed chase on horseback. Morrigan flung acid and Trask summoned a fireball using the amulet taken from Jappy’s (second) corpse, causing the guards to retreat, and allowing the party to make it into the woods, where Thea convinced a squirrel to lead the team to Elqen’s safe house in the forest. One of the squirrels also had an opal.

Elqen’s forest hideout was a massive and sprawling tree-fort mansion. As is natural for wood elf batman. And they were met at the gates by none other than Rifael “Riff” Raffen. He asked if they were expected. Morrigan kindly explained that if he did not let them in she would introduce him to god. He let them in, but didn’t follow past the gate. Though Elqen almost kicked them out for bringing the king, possessed by a spirit, the team managed to convince him to watch the king for a time. Morrigan then proceeded to perform a dark ritual, drawing arcane symbols and invoked ancient evil rites to pull the spirit out of the king for a brief seance. The team informed the spirit that king- and it by proxy- would be safe where they have left it, and requested it not go out of its way to kill the rest of the old team at Elqen’s safe house, before breaking up to rest for the night.

Morrigan’s Notes:

Thea: Oh WOW I had no clue she could change into a bear. Or a wolf. That’s actually fairly neat. Oh the look on those guards faces as she mauled them was priceless.

Trask: He’s still not great for a conversation. But all around otherwise, aside from the eating mishap, I think I may be beginning to be impressed

Aladon: I think a few of us would be dead without him by this point. Keeping him alive is in my best interest at the very least. If I ever allow myself to have… Friends… I think he would be one of them.

Everett Whitlock: Attempting to kill the king now are we? That hag is cheeky, but unsurprising. I wonder if eating her will give me a measure of her power. Food for thought.

Elqen Nafir: Really needs to lighten up.

Spirit(?): Not quite sure what to make of this. Friend? Enemy? Frenemy? Will regard it with utmost caution until can be discerned.

Soylent Soup is Children!
Willy Wonka eat your heart out...

Something went wrong. Somewhere, somehow, for some reason, after exploring the catacombs in the city of the dead, Vincent died. The body was never seen nor found, everyone just knew he was dead, On trying to decide on their next course of action, the group reached the consensus of seeking out the house Jappy had told them about and finding the missing children. After discussing the matter with Solel, and being down a very dead and never coming back member of the team, he put them in contact with a local ranger in search of adventure, willing to join their efforts.

And so the group met Arime; Half-Orc ranger with a fondness for hitting things with her mace. As they ventured into the forest, keen eyes found two sets of footprints as the forest grew more dense; and soon the crew found themselves feeling much like they were walking through bread. Because they were. The natural flora of the forest was replaced with wheat, and soon enough that was replaced with walking through actual bread. A quick check by Morrigan found it to be saturated with magic…

And Trask ate some. This set off a chain of tragedy as Trask could not stop eating the whole way along, growing larger in size and gaining massive amount of weight due to a stuffing spell by the time they reached trees with leaves of licorice, he was straining his armor and large enough that he had to be rolled by the team. All attempts to convince him to stop eating fail as they reach a stream of chocolate and trees of twizzlers and candy canes. Morrigan kept on the lookout for attacks from gummi bears. She also tried to pop Trask with her dagger, before Thea can placate his unending magical hunger by casting Goodberry.

Deliberations on how to cross the river were cut short when attacked by giant wasps, but once those were dispatched with haste everything went further downhill as Thea and Arime fall into the river and are swept up by chocolate rapids. A wild scramble to rescue them ensues, requiring Aladon, Morrigan and Trask to work together and save them from drowning in chocolate. It is not as pleasant as it sounds, nor was it easy, and resulted in shenanigans, several near death experiences, being attacked by panthers, and elf women covered in chocolate.

On reaching the house on the other side… They heard a voice. Morrigan devolved into hysterics, Aladon paled and quietly prayed to Selune. Trask ate more bread, and Thea and Arime did not understand why because they had never heard the voice before. But it was a familiar voice all the same as Jappy emerged from the cottage. Though the team tried their best to capture and bind him, they were overcome by an incredible smell. The Hag was inside and she was cooking. Unable to fight their urges, they entered one by one and were restrained to the table, a magic flying spoon forcing them to eat the best tasting soup any of them had ever eaten before.

Aladon broke free, and with his spirit weapon incapacitated Jappy. Arime could not stop eating the soup, even when human body parts started to float to the top, and learned a grisly recipe. Morrigan took no chances and slit Jappy’s throat. Though they wanted to burn the house down, Thea and Aladon managed to convince the group to hold off long enough to search for the children, and found four malnourished children in a dungeon in the cellar.

Picking up the children, they narrowly escaped the Hag’s return and staggered back to Broadsea to speak with Victoria Whitlock, earning them an audience with the king, for the next day; as he had arrived in Broadsea while they were shambling around candyland playing deadly snakes and ladder traps.

Morrigan’s Notes:

Vincent: Hahahahahaha! He’s dead! He had it coming!

Arime: Big half-orc woman. Kind of on the weak side. Likes to yell at people a lot. Needs to use that bow more or it’ll collect dust.

Hag: Well we found where she is now. Hospitable, even if she is utterly murderous.

Children: I hate children.

Children Soup: I won’t tell anyone if you won’t, creepy notebook… But it was really good.

(The entire section is raging illegible scrawling saved for “I KILLED HIM, I WIN!!!!!!” repeated roughly twenty or more times before returning to hysterical ravings.

Dead Ends
More questions than answers, and a few close calls.

With the skeletons re-killed, Jappy put to final rest, and a quick rest trip back at the Tipsy Pelican to pick up the new misfit addition to the great team of misfits: Vincent, an elven wizard, the group was ready to make their real foray into the City of the Dead. Passing through the mausoleum, they encountered works of art and paintings on the walls depicting a race of lizard people battling massive blue spiders, before entering a dark chapel with a pool of blood in the center of the chamber.

Upon placing Jappy’s corpse in the blood pool it rose again and exploded in a hail of gore and bone. This called in the lizard people. Upset that their shrine and blood pool had been desecrated, the group made some poor first contact decisions that led to killing every single last one of the lizard people, a brief glimpse of a shadow that looked like Everett Whitlock walking by during the fight, and several familiar voices calling out.

Just around the bend, they met the Cancun, a mysterious and avaricious bird-like humanoid that had been mimicking Everett’s voice, along with several others. Though as far as the team could tell he spoke the truth about living in the mausoleum for so long, there was an oddity in his desire for them to slay a monster in the depths. One it claimed was a great threat to society.

Our misfits head down… And find a throne room under the crypts. On breaking the treasure chests present, they looted thousands of gold coins only to find that holding the cursed gold pieces prevented them from leaving.

Vincent and Morrigan, working together to search the room for traces of magic discover a false illusory wall in the back leading to a shrine. Once again there was a pit with a spike for blood sacrifices, and more art of lizard people against giant spiders. Yet in this place the art depicted the spiders eating the lizard people. Aladon offers up his own blood as sacrifice to the spike, and unlocks the chambers beyond. When the group returned to the throne room however, they were not alone. A very cross looking human woman was waiting, demanding answers, who they were, why her gold was scattered about; mostly because Morrigan dropped her share just to get into the next room. She was belligerent and angry, and nearly called her gaurds before Vincent subdued her with a spell of Suggestion, which made it easier for the others to get information from her.

Princess Dravinia, as she declared herself, explained that she worshipped her god, Great Spider, and the pooled knowledge of arcane and terrible extra planar beings between Vincent and Morrigan allowed them to determine the spiders in the art to be Phase Spiders, one of which was clearly passing itself off as a god. Dravinia explained that Pestiann Ksuls was also present, performing research, and led the group throug a room of her guards; large cyclopses.

Pestiann was less than inclined to help. The dragonborn was engrossed in her research, consumed by revenge and a desire to kill Everett, she was working on a poison extracted from the Phase Spider’s fangs. She only agreed to help if the other members of her old group could truly come together to stop Everett.

Exhausted and cranky, the team left the catacombs, encountering the Cancun again, who revealed his true motives: to acquire the vast sum of gold from below, but only if the spider was killed. They convinced him the spider was dead, when it turned out he has none of the valuable information on Everett that he promised in exchange for the original kill request.

They left the catacombs, satisfied, on hearing the doors slam shut and locked below. But it was a brief respite. Returning to the Tipsy Pelican, they encountered an ogre within, demolishing the building in search of Everett to kill him. Try as they might to calm him down, he attacked them, flinging Vincent out of the window and nearly killing him and Trask with thrown furniture. Aladon’s healing was strained to the limit and Vincent broke off from the fight to hide. In a rare moment of perfect lucidity, Morrigan reached into the Ogre’s mind to try and explain to him that they too sought out Everett Whitlock, but he was too single minded in his desire to kill and could not be talked down.

Morrigan captured him in a Hold Person spell and gave the ogre one last chance. He did not calm he did not concede. She smiled grimly as the others fell upon him with blade, warhammer, and spells while he could do nothing to defend himself. Vincent emerged again, longsword in hand and cleaved the ogre’s head from his shoulders and everyone promptly collapsed to rest and lick their extensive wounds.

Once again they found Solel, unconcious in the back room of the tavern. Grimly he informed them all that every one of Everett’s old enemies were returning. They would have to work fast to beat them all.

Morrigan’s Notes 3:

Vincent: I don’t think he likes me. I find it more amusing than anything.

Pestiann: This one is out ofr revenge! I wonder what the paladin did to her. Though I’m leery of her research with the Phase Spiders.

Princess Dravinia: All we did was try to take her gold, she didn’t need to get so upset. Everyone steals gold from everyone else all the time. What’s a Phase Spider Cult doing in the catacombs anyway?

Lizard People: So we accidentally defiled their church with a goblin corpse. At least we got rid of the damned thing. … I fear Trask might have carried it until it ripened. Besides, they weren’t angry for long before we solved the problem. By killing them. That really solves so many problems.

The Cancun: I still giggle every time I remember those doors locking in the darkness deep below the earth.

Chapter 2: Jappy To Meet You
Who thought bringing him along was a good idea?

Our intrepid band of misfits and outlaws return to the Tipsy Pelican with Elqen Naefir in tow, on of the original members of the team who had worked with the now tyrant paladin, Everett Whitlock, in tow. As they settled in for a brief rest, and to plan their next step with the Rebels before the king’s arrival in the next two days. Rumors were that Pestiann Ksuls had been spotted in the City of the Dead. But planning was cut short when the door flew open.

The breathless halfling was difficult to make out, but the gist of his panicked message was easy to decipher. The Thieves’Guild was under attack. Out of necessity and worry for losing Olly Baba and Riff, the group set out with haste to the Thieves’ Guild’s new location, at the old mermaid cave.

Arrival was met with stone silence. With the entrance locked and no one proficient in means to unlock it, Morrigan blasted the door open in one of her usual fits of pique. The entry hall was not empty. For bodies lay on the floor, but they quickly rose to face the party. They were mer-people. Though their coloration was odd and off, they moved to attack, amid cackling laughter from the back of the room.

“This is fun! This is fun!” It cried.

Somewhere in the chaos, a new challenger appeared. From nowhere, Duke arrived, turning the battle into a ballet of death with feats of acrobatics and knives flung a-plenty, while Morrigan’s own twisted laughter unsettled the mysterious voice as they killed the last of the mer-people.

“Not fun! Not fun at all!” Cried the voice from under Riff’s desk, as Duke tugged the originator of the laugh free from hiding. It was a goblin, and though he tried to flee, Trask caught him and held him up by the leg. He also shook him. It was hilarious. Though he didn’t think it was fun in the least.

Though the goblin introduced himself as Jappy and begged and pleaded to be set free, with promises of treasure and power and wishes, the group consensus was to use him to play bowling down the secret passage of the Thieves’ Guild back exit. The secret tunnel led through a darkened cave or murky green water, and Duke leapt into the water to save Jappy when he fell in and could not swim to freedom.

Much to the group’s horror, there was something IN the water. Something that tried to drag Jappy and Duke down, and cut the rope tied around Duke’s waist. Though both managed to free themselves from the water, Jappy also freed himself from the group.

And he summoned more monsters to piss them off.

Four giant spiders later, and the team managed to re-capture the rogue goblin despite his attempts to turn invisible. No one is sure who’s idea it was to bring him back to the Tipsy Pelican.

It was Duke’s idea.

It was a bad idea.

But a new friendship was in the beginning steps between Warlock and Cleric as Aladon and Morrigan quickly put aside their differences in their combined and growing hatred for the little bastard. The Master Bard, Solel, even stated Jappy was nothing but trouble, and the goblin pleaded for his freedom, begging the party to let him have fun, and that he would let them have fun in turn, in a magical house of gingerbread where children are taken.

This seemed like a massively bad idea.

But after a night’s rest and Olly Babam Riff, and Elqen returning to the Tipsy Pelican with bad news of a falling out with the mer-people, the decision was made to resume following the trail of Pestiann Ksuls, after Morrigan coerced Jappy into the location of the gingerbread house for later investigation. Alladon suggested bringing Jappy along to the City of the Dead. This too was a bad idea when the team arrived and the little bugger got free. He immediately set to ‘having fun’, summoning a massive horde of skeletons inside of the mausoleum they were exploring. The battle was hectic and tense, but the party pulled through with barely any injury at all and once more re-captured Jappy, rendering him unconscious and at the group mercy.

“I vote we befriend him.” Duke insisted.

Trask maintained stoic, intensely badass manly silence.

“Let’s bury him alive and watch him suffocate to death!” Morrigan squealed with glee.

Aladon just took out his crossbow and shot Jappy in the head. The true hero of the day.

Morrigan approves, (+10).


Aladon: Okay maybe I was wrong about this one. DEFINITELY useful to me. Not only has he kept me alive, he also did away with that nuisance goblin. Good riddance. I approve. On a random arbitrary scale of approval, he gets ten approval points.

Thea: She stood back at the Tipsy Pelican. I can’t really complain about her behind her back.I’ll wait until I’m behind her to complain.

Duke: This one isn’t all he seems. He just… Appeared in the middle of the fight in the Thieves’ Guild. I trust him less than I would trust myself, and I generally would not trust myself at all. I also do not trust his judge of character, if he is going to try to befriend creatures that are potentially hostile and hazardous to his, and by extension, my health.

Trask: The wall really is a better conversation partner. But he did pull through against the skeletons, and watching him shake Jappy like a baby did make me feel a little better.

Grand Master Paladin Awesome Everett Whitlock: Charmed by a hag. Has really poor taste in women.


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